Category Archives: why I live alone

A couple of things

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1.  Sometimes people are the absolute best.

I just.. hold on.

Allergies. I just... allergies. I'M ALLERGIC TO LOVE.

2.  Sometimes I come up with multi-million dollar marketing plans in the shower.

Remember when you used to be able to just use face wash?  But now “facial care” is a 3 step process:  1. Exfoliate, 2. Clean, 3.  Moisturize.  You need 3 products.  (We’ll ignore the fact that I’m pretty sure Dermatology has taught me that exfoliating is a gigantic waste of time, money, and protective layer of stratum corneum cells.)

(Oh, also, I totally have my Dermatology test in 2 hours.  You can tell it’s real important to me.)

We could do the same thing for the haircare industry – increase profits by 33%.  After all, does anyone only buy shampoo, or only buy conditioner?  No.  We need a 3rd product everyone has to buy. (And by “we”, I mean “the haircare industry, if I was involved and got a payday out of this”.)

My ad campaign.

The Commercial:  “If you’re only using Shampoo and Conditioner, you’re missing out on a crucial 3rd step.  Take a look at any shower in France, and you’ll find a 3rd product – Pre-Conditioner.”

The actual name of the product isn’t important.  It just has to have a vaguely plausible sounding scientific gimmick like “providing a surface for conditioner to fully enter the hair shaft – because without it, conditioner only sticks to the outside and is mostly rinsed away!”  (Since 90% of the scientific stuff in hair commercials is made-up, this should be legally ok.)

If I were in charge of this ad campaign, I’d pin this “secret” on the French, because – at least in America – we seem to be willing to believe anything about the French, including that they’re all skinny and effortless.  Perfect hair goes with the territory.

If the hair-care industry successfully plant the seed of doubt in people’s mind that shampoo and conditioner are not enough, they could get $6 out of most of the women in the USA, and probably half of the men.  Millions of dollars.

No, I don’t know how tongue-in-cheek this idea is.  I hope you don’t either.  

The Science of Babies

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Tonight’s Netflix suggestion:  “The Science of Babies”!

6:50pm:  Fantastic. I had no idea this existed. With a title like “The Science of Babies”, I expect a 3 year neonatalogy fellowship condensed down to 30 minutes. Do not disappoint me, Netflix.

6:51  WILL SOMEONE PLEASE PICK UP THIS POOR CHILD.

"Babies: They come into this world alone."

6:55:  … No?  No one?  We’re still narrating things over a lonely baby?

Correction!  A lonely, CRYING baby.

7:00:  “A human will likely take over 6 million breaths in a lifetime.  But the first is by far the most difficult – AND DANGEROUS.”  Shit is getting real.

7:05:  “Two thirds of baby deaths occur in the first month – a rate not equaled again until the 7th decade of life.”  Poor babies!

7:07:  “A newborn’s vision is cloudy, and therefore limited to about 12 inches.”  POOR BABIES.

7:10:  “Babies know intuitively to hold their breath under water.”  Poor ba- wait, what?

And then there was a bunch of stuff about neurons and synaptogenesis and synaptic pruning, which is all well and good, except facebook.  (Don’t worry, I periodically checked back into the Netflix tab to see if anyone ever picked up the crying theater baby.)

7:30:  (They didn’t.)

I don’t think I got a neonatology fellowship out of this, so in that sense, the documentary was a disappointment.  However, a counterpoint:

Vowels!

… I think the counterpoint wins.

And we’re back

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In 7 weeks, I’ll be on the wards!  Rotating!  … Clinically!

Okay, so – no, I have no idea what being on clinical rotations is like. I like to imagine it involves looking very serious while holding a clipboard and walking briskly.  And then you also get yelled at a lot, but at the end of the day you remember what it’s all for because you hear Zach Braff’s voice spelling it all out in painstaking detail.

(… In related news, I may have mistaken “clinical rotations” for “Scrubs”.)  (Bonus tip to pre-med interviewees: always pretend like you don’t know the difference between those two.  Interviewers love that stuff.)

(Extra bonus tip to pre-meds interviewees:  never take advice from a med blog.)

Anyway, I’ve had a traumatic couple of weeks, but I think I’m finally on the up and up.  Which is exactly why this was a jerk move, Netflix.


NETFLIX. THAT'S NOT NICE.

In case you have better things to do with your time than read the tiny text up there: my top rated “Witty Romance” choice is not witty.  Nor does it look romantic.  Instead, it is a cartoon about a snow day at the mall where everyone is preparing for the upcoming school dance.  Because it’s legally required that any movie that bills itself as “teen” must include a school dance for which the characters can prepare.

Now I don’t know about you guys, but all of my “preparations” for school dances in high school went something like this:

Step 1:  Make fun of school dance.
Step 2:  Reluctantly deign to make an appearance because “there’s nothing better to do”.
Step 3:  Wait for Freddie Prinze Jr. to show up, extend his hand, and shyly ask me to dance to a Cranberries’ song.
Step 4:  Make fun of school dance.

Which is to say: … yes, I will probably watch this.

But I’m going to be disappointed if Zach Braff doesn’t appear at the end to explain the moral.