5 Vignettes From My First Intern Clinic

1. Clinic: A Short Play In One Act

Scene: Clinic. Afternoon. 

Kid: Mom, why am I even taking ObscurePsychDrug?

Mom: Honey, you’re not taking ObscurePsychDrug. You’re taking CommonADHDMed. They’re completely different pills.

Me: Very true! You’re taking CommonADHDMed.

Kid: Oh. … so… ObscurePsychDrug ISN’T for ADHD?

Mom: No. It’s for… er… Oh! – the DOCTOR can explain to you what ObscurePsychDrug is for!

Me: *mild panic*

Mom: See, that’s the wonderful thing about visiting a doctor – they can explain all sorts of questions! Even about drugs you don’t take!

Me:

Computer: *persistently refuses to allow me to google ObscurePsychDrug*

Computer: *continues to be terrible*

Mom: Okay, son, the doctor is going to explain ObscurePsychDrug to you, so STOP FIDGETING and listen. very. carefully.

*Mom attentively adjusts chair, stares at me in happy expectation*

Me: *prays to the Pediatric God that I’ll be urgently paged to another room*

The Pediatric God: *is not a kind God*

.

Me:

2. My preceptor says I’m “functioning at the level of a January intern” instead of a “July intern”.

(… Is that the best half-compliment I’ve ever received, or is it pathetic and sad?)

3. Who the hell decided that Epic doesn’t need a “are you sure?” button to permanently sign a note?

I intended to PEND the note. I pend EVERY note before going to the physical exam. I now have a horrible, innacurate note that’s now forever in the system with an apologetic, all-caps, “I’m a stupid intern” addendum. Goddamn it, Epic.

4. The nurses like me. That’s something, right?

5. Oh god. I’m a fraud. Don’t ever visit a hospital in July, don’t visit a clinic in July, don’t step outside in July, just draw your shades and lock your doors and stay in bed and pray until this all blows over.