Every Residency Interview Ever

Interviewer: Shallow pleasentries! Joke about the weather!

You: Clever response building on your weather joke as proof that I can make witty conversation! Haha, hire me!

Interviewer: Haha, so true! Well, how’s your visit going so far?

You: Oh, wonderful. Had dinner with the residents last night at [Place You Would Normally Never Eat] and they were all just so friendly.

Interviewer: Wonderful! I’ve heard great things about [Place You Would Normally Never Eat]! So – is this your first time in [City]?

You: A) “Oh no, I’ve been here forever! How could I leave, when [insert implication you would love to live here]

B) “Oh no, I’ve [insert slightly-to-moderately exaggerated story about the one time you were here years ago, implying you would love to live here]

C) “Yes – it is, and [insert second, less funny, joke about weather, implying you would love to live here]”

Interviewer: That’s great! Well, let me begin by telling you a little bit about myself –

You: *hastily plastering on an enraptured gaze* Mm-hmm. Oh, I see. Yes. Wow.

*spend 5 minutes wondering when you’ll have time to dry-clean your suit before Thursday’s interview*

Interviewer: —and I’ve been here ever since! But enough about me! Tell me about yourself.

You: *forcing yourself not to cast a suspicious eye on the large folder on Interviewer’s desk which should have served to answer this question*

“Well, I grew up in [State] and always thought I wanted to be a [Doctor / Actress / Journalist], haha – but then I spent a year [volunteering  / traveling / researching] and realized that [Being a doctor is my true passion / acting doesn’t pay shit / I suck at pretty much everything], so I applied to med school. In my free time, I like to [quick, make up something besides “procrastinate by wasting time on the internet”]

Interviewer: Fascinating! Well, I’ve obviously read over your file – *picking up folder on desk, FINALLY*

You: *craning neck ever-so-slightly in a totally obvious move, confirming that the file is pristine and untouched*

Interviewer:  — and you are obviously a wonderful candidate. We would love to have you here. So! What questions can I answer for you?

You: [eager recitation of “Bullshit Question #1]

Interviewer: What a great question! Why yes, there are many opportunities for research. For example –

You: *spend 5 minutes coming to terms with the fact that there is no way you will have time to dry-clean said suit before Thursday’s interview*

Interviewer: — and TGF-beta interactions! What other questions do you have for me?

You: *remind yourself to avoid glancing meaningfully at your file, as a hint that you paid $700 to get here and would like a chance to sell yourself* [eager recitation of Bullshit Question #2]

Interviewer: A fantastic question! I think one of the strongest aspects of our program is the excellent patient mix we have here. You see – we aren’t just a tertiary care hospital and referral center – we also function as the community referral center! So you get to see exotic, once-in-a-lifetime cases, AND bread and butter cases!

It’s almost like we’re – I don’t know – some sort of teaching hospital or something! You won’t find that kind of diverse patient population anywhere else.

You: Oh my goodness, that’s fantastic. So wonderful to hear.

Interviewer: So… *opening your file * Tell me a bit about… *scans page urgently for familiar proper nouns* about – um,  your [Recent marathon / experimental art-installation / research with Dr. Prestigious]

You: Oh, that was a fantastic experience. I started by [running triathalons / realizing I needed at least one hobby for ERAS / studying TGF-beta ] and transitioned into [training for a half-marathon / throwing a bunch of origami around in a shuttered ware-house and posting a notice in Craigslist / networking with PIs like a thirsty stripper whose rent is due].

It was such a learning opportunity. It really taught me a lot about [carbo-loading / the human connection between art and healing / how research is basically just random crap thrown together with a deadline].

Interviewer: *has passed the time of your lame anecdotes  sneaking a peak at your USMLE scores* “Uh-huh. Wow. Fantastic.”

Door: *impatient knocking*

Interviewer: Whoa, I guess [Interview Coordinator / admin assistant / the unlucky Chief Resident who pulled the short straw today] is hinting we should wrap things up! Has it been 20 minutes already…?

You: Haha, time flies when you’re having fun!

Interviewer: Haha, it seems so! Well, what OTHER questions do you have for me?

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